I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
i am only reminding you that showing off your fellatio skills on vegetables is probably not an appropriate party trick
He was so confused why there was a string hanging out of my vagina.
I was gonna make fun of her but that plan kinda stopped once she put my dick in her mouth
the paramedic just looked at me like "you again?"
I woke up this morning with a wristband and I thought I went to the hospital last night I actually went ice skating instead
I thought he was being really sweet and protective when he pulled me away from the guy i was hooking up with, but turns out he just wanted me to get chicken nuggets with him...
Apparently when your theatre teacher asks who the best actor of our time is, Nicolas Cage is not the right answer.
Came home from this girls horse at 6am to find a guy lighting off roman candles in front of my door. Best walk of fame I've ever had.
Well he has a golden retriever set as his background so there's no way he was filming us having sex
I'm literally in my bed still trying to find the energy to take my corset off so I can binge eat oreos
He doesn't have an existential crisis after we have really violent sex now which is nice
I just ate broccoli before drinking. Does that make me a responsible adult?
WHAT THE FUCK DREAM ME
I'M GONNA PUNCH THAT BITCH THE FUCK DID SHE THINK SHE WAS DOIN
the girl who hid my weed when the cops came has a birthday coming up. i feel like i should get her something.
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