I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
Why do bread and butter chips remind me of eating out your mom?
Drunk at a girls little league game. Hello summer.
I mean I knew we were putting on quite a show but I didnt realize HOW good until I woke up and 4 people were passed out with their ears to the bedroom door.
It is a special kind of bonus when you find money you hid from yourself when you were drunk in the tampon box. What did we do last period?
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
i think dick pics are a sign of a sexual renaissance
I'm a wonderful, drunk angel of hydration and sometimes absinthe.
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
So you are wearing a heart monitor while drinking?
Yea, they said carry on with my everyday activity.
someone snapchatted me a porn of two guys dressed up as pterodactyls double teaming a girl
At first it will make you think "how is this physically possible?" and then it will ruin an entire food group for you.
I have a bunch of bug bites on my ass... This is why you don't have sex against a tree in the woods
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
In case you're wondering... Yes walmart will judge you for buying vodka and pickles at 645am.
Randomize
