I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
We have a vodka soaked ShamWow with your name on it.
I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
I only make drug deals in a British accent. It's my way of making sure it doesn't get too sketch.
just wokeup with my ethics textbook on my chest, animal crakers in my mouth and my dick in my hand. even aristotle doesn't have a theory for this one
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
She just told me she's too full for a reach-around. Sad.
she worked me into her spring break cardio plan. im mondays and wednesdays.
My autobiography is now tentatively titled "I'm Fucking the DJ, and Other Ways to Party for Cheap"
You should know me better than that. I don't whore around. I promise this is a blowjobs only kind of trip.
And then she said "wanna make a vine of me twerking on the wall?"
I have mystery bruises on my right knee, right arm, under my chin, and on my forehead. What the fuck happened last night??
She calls him the walking dildo to his face. That relationship is already fucked up.
Gov of Georgia is going to allow massage therapists to return to work.
Gives a new meaning to 'Happy Endings'.
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