just to let you know, don't open your linen closet for a while until i come over with a cleaning kit and geek squad
Ask Niel how long his lasts if he plays with it a lot.
he says 15-20 minutes depending on the porn.
no his phone, idiot.
I just noticed that when I sneeze...my nipples get hard.
Right, because I totally see myself driving all the way down there to fuck his world famous penis.
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
Sat down on an escalator. That hungover.
Don't smoke out front when you get home there's gasoline involved I'll tell you later
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
Kinda awkward to hear your aunt complain about loose women when you're in town to be a stunt dick for a swingers convention. Just sayin.
Not only did I get the promotion, but last night after sex he took me outside and let me hold it for him while he peed in the snow. I made a heart. This week is going amazing
I lost all interest the day she banged that guy in the Amazon parking lot. That's a special kinda whore.
Is it customary to send a 'thank you card'to someone who gave you awesome oral as a gift at your housewarming party?
Shes yelled my World of Warcraft name when we were having sex, I think marriage is next.
Before making travel and hotel reservations to meet your "affair" for the first time, consult your menstrual calendar! $633 wasted!
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