Don't bite the hand that gives you multiple orgasms
I saw a seagull swallow a hot-dog whole today, it reminded me of you.
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
I didn't mean to leave you there I just didn't know him well enough to throw up in his bathroom.
Do you think he woke up this morning, looked at you, and then regretted everything?
thats why a responsible adult always keeps some facial hair just in case they need to shave a hulk hogan mustache for midget wrestling...
They switched jackets and you didn't notice. You made out with both of them and had no idea
I don't save the phone numbers of guys I don't like. That way it's a surprise when a random number texts me and tells me I have great tits.
Stoned, and eating Doritos, and reading about lesbians for class. This is the life.
We made out and he didn't grope me. I liked it. I felt like I was innocent again.
Idk man, we spent like 20 mins arguing about the moral ambiguity of fucking in someone else's car
I just found a grey hair. On my nipple. Fuck you too, Mother Nature.
Besides, I'm booked tomorrow. I'm planning on drinking heavily and crying in the bath.
My neighbors are white girl rapping to Hamilton again...
stop falling asleep in the bathtub. you are not a movie star, you cannot die that way.
Randomize
