I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
Please tell me I didn't pass out while we were having sex last night... and if so I am sooooo sorry.
Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
nah, shes just mad because we went through all her fb pics and tagged her crotch as all the guys shes fucked
I think she kind of thinks she's better than us now ... please. I go to Michigan.
Sign out of Gchat. Right now my gchat list is entirely girls I've slept with.. and you. You are fucking up my gchat chi.
Do you know what's great about Canada?..... There will always be a Tim Hortons on my walk of shame route
Me. You. Shitty green clothes from Savers that we will dub alligator costumes. Middle of the quad tomorrow at noon. Bring your alligator voice and the pearls before swine comic.
He picked up a chick with a line about the price of used cars in Sri Lanka and developing economies. Step it up.
I sent him a bunch of texts telling him that his beard wasn't long enough yet so we couldn't fuck and to text me back in a few hours if it had.
I don't need a lecture. I'm 41. I know I'm an idiot.
You don't know true terror until you get stuck in a porta potty while frying your face off.
Then you're three pancakes deep in regret.
FUCK the WHO, FUCK cancer, I'm gonna eat fucking bacon.
It may be a clusterfuck, but I'll be looking classy as shit as I watch the nightmare unfold
Randomize
