My underwear smells like fireworks.
I found a knife in my bed when I got back this morning. I think one of my roommates has it in for me
Im still in bed and cant move and i only had Two beers and a shot last night... how did I make it in college?
God gave us a 4 year grace period.
It's the foolproof way to identify who didn't get laid last night
oh my god. separately texting an Allie and an Ally while drunk is hard, and I'm climbed 1/2 way up a bridge pier.
mallory made a planned parenthood decision maker flow chart again.
I feel like all of the victims from Seven. Best birthday weekend ever.
The hypnotist is here. He has a black eye and smells like tequila.
It'll be a pair of asscheeks that light up when they're summoned.
Got high again and all I want to do is wave this flag around
Just remembered I said your cat looked delicious last night.
Did you take the bag w/your drugs & cookie cutter?
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
One of these days I would like to go out drinking and stick to plan of just getting drunk and not be sidetracked with other people's plans of doing drugs along the way. I didn't even want to not feel my teeth tonight but here we go just another Thursday night when you live I live
Let the clothes fall where they may.
Randomize
