why didn't you poke me back
Dude I just figured out the mystery flavor of airhead is vodka sprite, no way i'm wrong
I haven't been this hungover since you found me laying in front of your door gagging with pepto bismal tablets scattered around me
my tonsil wound opened up during the kegstand but i stopped it with a popsicle
I'm drinking screwdrivers in the pool naked. Call 911 if I don't check in regularly
Actually I think I might be dying right now so if I do you have to drink all my vodka
You're so demanding.
Come find me, I'm the girl sitting alone in taco bell at 9 in the morning drinking concealed beer with a straw
It's like refusing a bong hit from michael phelps... You just can't do it
You've never sent a girl a dick pic?
Call me old fashioned
I have to shave my legs first. I'm afraid tiny woodland creatures will fly out if he tries touches them.
I called you a cum goblin in my voicemail. I stand by it.
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
Is it against health code to come into work half drunk and commando?
Hahahahahha. You saved a homeless man. You're actually the mother Teresa of skanks.
Me saying I wish i was a better person + me pretending I don't want to fuck on my period = me lying
Randomize
