I'm too scared of my Fleshlight to even use it anyway.
I think getting shot is the thing to do in Brooklyn
I remember her trying to talk to me a few times after we broke up and I'd always change the subject to bagels.
I literally had to tap out of the blow job. It was like a pornographic wrestling match
When I try to close my eyes ibwant to puke. Going to the basement to watch pocohantas. That'll keep myeyes open. And puke free.
I have too much pride to pick his chest hair out of my mouth again
She said she couldn't sleep with a guy who had blood stains on his ceiling. I tried to explain it wasn't my blood, but she still left :(
This guy randomly got in our taxi, and has now collapsed on the sofa anouncing that he's staying the night.
Just had a 40 min argument about how many celebrity guest appearances on Sesame Street were court ordered for DUIs.
There are five fire trucks here and needless to say my booty call left so come back home whenever you like
He used pronouns for his penis while sexting. I don't know what I did to deserve this.
I laid naked in his bed as he brought me an ice cream sandwich so I would say everything worked out great
I'm wearing a sports bra. Of course I'm not getting laid tonight.
I mean, I let him sleep with me after we both ate taco bell sober... That's kinda like love, right?
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Randomize
