Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
Instead of asking if I had a condom she literally said " I'm not on the pill but I'm pro choice... your move"... I'm in love
Just puked in a mcdonalds cup while driving. Didn't even swerve.
He took a banana and in front of everyone showed her how he wanted it done.
She calls me Shortcake and bites my ear. Trust me, I'm FINE with bein the secret lesbian lover.
He was eating mac and cheese. Raw. Like as in he was eating the uncooked noodles then pouring the dry cheese in his mouth.
Then he complimented me on how excellent I was at breathing through my nose
I feel the need to clarify that I did not show her my vagina.
I could hear them screwing through my bedroom wall again this morning, so I started beat boxing to the tempo.
Do you know what your brother wants for his birthday?
Yeah he said he wants a decent blowjob for a change.
.......
I'm just looking out for you.
She's just done the monthly not prego dance around our kitchen
You called me last night and said you had a vision that a cat made you a sandwich. You were tripping way too hard
How is it possible that I'm still a virgin and you've managed to have sex in a cheetah print onesie TWICE
I’ve officially bought the ticket for my future dick appointment 😂
Now I know Sunday Funday means fucking till you loose your voice.
Randomize
