The night began with "let go home early so we can study for my 9am final" and ended with "show me your boobs for a free pack of gum".My breasts are worth 14 sticks for a dollar.
I really want to fuck my wifes sister.
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
Hold on there are flying pancakes I can't handle this right now
I'm eating crumbled blue cheese out of Tubbaware. My life is nothing.
Who the fuck did i sell my right shoe to last night i need to get that back im not walking with one shoe on
STOP LICKING HIS MUSTACHE
I got propositioned while wearing the bottom half of a horse costume. It's like god is apologizing to me in the strangest of ways.
I had a sex dream. With two guys. And my subconscious decided to put your dick on BOTH OF THEM. If there is a society where that does not mean "I cherish you" I do not want to live there.
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
Fuck yeah GAYNESS
*explodes into glitter*
I just remembered that i did pull ups in a bikini on the porch of Red Lobster last night. someone needs to stage an intervention
Do you think there are two dudes living in an apartment somewhere that go to the store and call it Brocery shopping?
Oh god...probably.
Again. I'm very sorry I tried to poke your eye out. You've been aware of my inability to aim since day one.
I covered the puke with a shingle there's not many chunks. I think it will blend quickly.
Randomize
