I needed to borrow my dads nail clippers and next to it was an industrial size box of condoms if that wasnt bad enough I dropped the clippers behind the bed and discovered hundreds of used condoms
so I'm in athletic shorts, a suit jacket and I'm still drunk at 6:30am at the last leg of relay for life
so all the bums hang out by my new store, they have a leader we call king bum... He got dethroned by police today for choking out a hooker. The bum heirarchy is in shambles right now.
I can't believe I just compared my penis to a St. Bernard.
I apologize for getting really drunk, taking off my shirt, bitching someone out, crying, and breaking something at your party next weekend...
He wasn't lying when he said he was immune to pepperspray. He pretended it burned for like 12 seconds and told the cops he was kidding he was alright. We'll be there soon.
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
I think that the jello shots in bowls is where it all went wrong.
You dont lie about slip and slides
I almost spit out my drink. But only almost, because it was vodka. And you don't spit out vodka.
But like now I know, men who are vegetarians are significantly worse in bed.
If only I could bank my drunk hookups for a sober IOU.
Yeah, great now I will be tampon girl
That's the second time the same cop pulled me over well a different girl was giving me road head
Replacing my paralegal is easy. Replacing my favorite office fuck toy is a totally different story. Damn him for wanting to better himself instead of being my manwhore
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