i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
Come on. It's already happy hour in Europe...Man up. "I'm at work" and "it's a tuesday" are not valid excuses.
Just had a thought: were the sirens on when we were in the ambulance?
its the kind of pain that only someone with a fucking elephant on their head would understand. I'm never drinking again.
Tomorrow's thirsty thursday is now sponsored by the three time champion, chemisty failure. celebration starts asap.
I want to miss work tomorrow on account of violent projective vomit... Make it happen
Guess who is playing his new drum set when his roommate gets home to teach her a lesson about binge drinking to the point of being taken to the emergency room?
Any chance you used one if the curtain rods in the fireplace room as a sword? One is missing
Need you on the dancefloor. Hungry and lonely.
May or may not have been going down the road shooting fireworks.
Fell asleep with Kristen and woke up with Sarah. It's official, vacation has begun.
What happened last night? I'm too scared to get out of bed and see the destruction.
First of all, check to see if that naked guy is still alive. He didn't look to be breathing when I left
How do I let my trainer know I'm only at the gym so I can get in more intense sex positions?
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
Randomize
