I'm eating lunch next to a table of beautiful culturally-diverse women chattering away happily. It's like sitting next to a Yaz commercial.
I have a great idea. you just need to get pregnant.
Mother, no, i will not talk about this again. Please stop planning my unborn daughters life. I will not put her in pagents. That is trashy. Stop watching toddlers in tiaras. It is also trashy. I love you.
She asked me how I live with myself. I told her one night at a time.
You kept asking who was the good cop and who was the bad cop, you said you only wanted to talk to the good one
We thought you were crowd-surfing until we realized it was the bouncers throwing you out
considering how much of last night I don't remember and the amount of ones laying on my desk right now, it's safe to say I'm concerned
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
It was sunday, you had a camel back of bloody mary stumbling around a dog park with no dog.
She kept talking about how amazing the banana she had yesterday was. Don't know if it was innuendo, stoned, or just a really amazing banana.
How are you going to come here and fuck on our couch ? That's everyones couch
It was like, once I started flashing you, I couldn't stop.
A check for $9 that I used to buy six boxes of Girl Scout cookies bounced. I think I've hit a new low.
He invites me over for to adderall and chill. Academic Tuesday
I’m pregaming Christmas shopping with grandma. What’s up?
I'm at the drive thru window, five minutes out. If the bathtub is empty or you're dressed when I arrive I'm not sharing.
Randomize
