dude you made out with his girlfriend and stole his credit card to buy more drinks
well when you put it that way, I sound like a terrible person
its like they have never seen someone walk through campus with a plunger
just a question.. totally understand if you dont know what im talking about.. but.. do you have my funnel? i think i tucked it in to your bed last night.
She has puke in her hair, is missing a shoe and is now crying. People trust her to be their child's teacher
Oh I woke up in my neighbors garage using one of their sleeping bags, as my neighbor was doing laundry in there.
People said that when they tried to talk to me I answered that there was a glass around my head stopping me from answering them
If your wondering why there is a puddle on the floor is I may have decided to make a kiddie pool in your living room.
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
I stood on the corner waiting to be picked up, dry heaving, and trying to block out the sun.
I'm going to avoid eye contact because my old high school English teacher is not who I feel like seeing after I just had a dick in my mouth
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
How do I figure out the name of this sleeping naked guy in my bed?
you told us the chicken was mocking you, then proceeded to explain that every time someone reads your mind you accidentally think of something sexual
i came so much i feel like i were to try again, only dust would come out. and maybe glitter
If I say I hate myself for it does it make it any better?
Randomize
