let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
I just saw at least a dozen senior citizens on roller blades. way to drunk for this.
Thanks for making breakfast. I usually have cereal and coffee...but i think margaritas and turkey sandwiches could catch on.
some guy i've known for a week sent me nudes saying "you're welcome" i need an award for this birthday
Seriously wondering if smoking a bowl for lunch was a bad idea.
OR THE BEST. STAY TUNED.
Can we have a celebratory fuck now that the lockout is over?
You're the best girlfriend ever.
im still going. this is my new reality. also. dont take glowsticks in the bath. they explode. actually. do. it. its beautiful.
i dont think thats healthy man...
hahaha every time i hear a motorcycle i think about that one time you almost died
Thanks for the flashbacks you prick.
I'm hoping you were seen by someone holding a frozen turkey at 230 in the morning
You were carrying a 6 ft lamp that we stole on your back yelling "OHANA MEANS FAMILY AND FAMILY MEANS NOBODY GETS LEFT BEHIND"
Apparently it's not a "bonding moment" when you realize you use the same porn site as your boyfriend
My fucking earlobe is bruised what the hell
Just showed my drunk fiancé where I got circumcised, she's been crying for twenty minutes.
I feel like it's the kind of place that would appriciate my Aladdin vest
So how often do you needs to see my tits today then?
Randomize
