I failed the drunk obstacle course of trying to find my bed... consolation prize... a sore ankle and "disappointed' parents.
Apparently I look legit enough, cause the 3 bums next to me just got kicked awake by cops, and I was allowed to stay sitting here. That's a plus, right?
Good thing you left when you did - ended up getting banned from jimmy johns.
I woke up this morning with a hospital armband on containing all the information off my fake i.d. WTF did we do last night!?!?
when did my "fat clothes" just become my clothes...diet starts tomorrow
He is offering to pay me back by sending me a dick pic.
.......................................
My thoughts exactly.
For some reason I just don't think you going to the gay bar alone on thanksgiving is a good idea.
Brought 2 entire pizzas with to the bar, everyone loves us
This bitch flirting at the bar needs to close her legs and open up a book. I can literally feel my IQ dropping every time she bends down to show her tits.
Jealous?
Very.
When I left you were in the shower in your socks throwing up screaming it was blood but it was "ok" cuz it's recyclable. By the way it was kool aid.
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
This guy is walking around with a deer head on. Honestly what the fuck
I'm sorry I told you to go fuck yourself after you said good morning to me when I was hungover.
As for the other mouse...I don't have any mouse traps so I put a Jell-O shot on the ground. Party hard little dude.
It was sweet, he carried me out of my bathroom after I passed out, built me a pillow fort so I wouldn't roll out of bed, set a glass of water on the table, and brought me a mixing bowl to puke in. Totally a sign we're more than just fuckbuddies.
Randomize
