In retrospect, getting to second base BEFORE anal wouldve been a good idea
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
She said that I needed to "pregame her so it can slip right in."
I heard porn and smelled bacon cooking. I knew you had to be home.
Update: I just puked into a sock. It was the only thing available at the time. Why I happened to be holding a sock, we may never know.
Just did a relay race involving shotgunning beers, cannonballs and riding a blowup whale. Never want to leave vacation.
FALSE ALARM! I didn't piss myself, I fell asleep in the shower and then drunkingly crawled into my bed
You just kept stroking his beard and thinking aloud that you wanted to rub your face all over it.
I smell like a skunk, but I'm okay with that.
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
Watching the series finale of Friends and crying in my Thai food. I don't like hangover Jared.
Well, I guess my plans of staying around the apartment and drinking my weight in boxed wine are ruined. I have a date tonight.
I'm a hopeless romantic with the sex drive of a married politician. IM DOOMED.
If she didn't block me, she would have known that I sneezed on her toothbrush.
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