Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
so i think im going to actually use my calories on food today instead of beer.
had to ask my 13 year old sister if she knew any dealers... she did. it's good to be home.
There's a sign at Bashas for 30% off of 6 bottles of wine in Friday. That seems like a personal challenge.
I don't really know I'm just giving her a key to get back in and the "don't get pregnant speech" and leaving it at that.
You have not lived until you've seen your mother stumble into the house with one shoe on mumbling incoherently about tequila cupcakes.
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
Is there a reason there's a dick print on my seventh-story window?
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
Cory and I accidentally had a sexual adventure last night.
How do you ACCIDENTALLY have a sexual adventure?
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
If they were bad they leave that night, if they were good they get a gold star, and if they were great they get invited back. Simple.
Dude, don't put me in a suit and feed me liquor; I'll never go home.
Got so drunk I broke my sink in half. Not. Lying.
Randomize
