You go to school with some of the ugliest girls I've ever seen... How are you not getting laid?
I wish I could tell you that the worst thing that happened last night was how he got thrown out of a stripclub for vomitting on the girl giving him a private lapdance. I wish I could tell you that and not be lying.
I woke up covered in blue paint and my knee bleeding, when I went to return the shopping cart the guy in the elevator laughed hysterically. I'm having a good morning.
I can't believe you picked a finger in the ass over lunch with me.
The ranger made you choose between a ticket and pouring all the beer out since it was a state park.
I've never seen you that close to tears as you poured out 30 beers.
So feel off my bed lastnight into the trashcan. On the plus side i thought under my bed was a cave and i went exsploring
He's not replying to my booty call. Like wtf. You have ONE PURPOSE IN LIFE.
His constant posting of "inspirational" Taylor Swift quotes over the past 3 days has me a little worried. It's like, holy shit dude, you're almost 30.
Nothing says "we're never gonna bone" like "nice haircut, it makes you look like my cousin"
Lol he touched my butt after his grad party and a shooting star went by. No kidding. My ass is mystical.
Got 2 free lines of blow from some random guys on the side of 13th street.....how's your Sunday going?
Well just saw that professor I hooked up with on campus and I look like a dumpster baby
I’m literally lecturing this class on professionalism, while my body is undoubtably covered in leftover cum from last night. I’m a fucking role model.
My liver is going to reject life during Greek Week
How many liver transplants can a person have? Bc you may need a couple
our moms work together...I can just see the conversation now, hey your daughter ruined my sons marriage, that's probably how it will start.
Randomize