Last night he was fingering me with one hand to his ear, calling himself 'dj clittles'
Thats what happens when go home with guys that wear shutter shades to the bar..
I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
They made my facebook status "I got my period!!!." Every guy I've had sex with at college liked it.
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
Party at my house. Liquor pinata. Your presence is required.
Good thing it was his birthday because I accidentally grabbed his dick at the bar. A lot.
I'm sorry I dragged a dildo (on a leash) into your room last night.
I think they were cool with it, they should have know if I was the host of the baby shower it was going to involve a keg and jager shots.
Just walked out of 7 11 still in uniform when 4 girls in bikinis in a convertable screamed "we fuck firefighters!"
Career choice validated
I'm high and craving hash browns from McDonalds. Please pick me up. I also would like a hug and a supportive pat on the back when you get here. Thanks.
Its two in the afternoon. McDonalds don't sell hash browns at 2 in the afternoon. Whore. The hug I can provide however.
it's not that I hate people, I just want to rip most of their faces off.
How the hell could he be confused. He had a naked girl running to him. I feel like he would enjoy that.
YOU BROUGHT HANDCUFFS TO THE WHITE ELEPHANT EXCHANGE AND DIDN'T TELL ME???
Its not something you can force it it just has to happen like a rainbow or pooping
Gonna do a few lines then clean my room so I can feel like my life is somewhat in order.
Randomize
