she called my cock the "semen sword" and then we invented a position called excalibur
Didn't get to fuck her. Had to leave abruptly through window. Explain later.
Someones grandma was rubbing my back. I'm way too high for this.
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
I never woulda thought that back in kindergarten playong kickball that'd i'd be 24 getting plastered in front of the white house and winning a kickball championship in a young adult drinking league
We just won 1800 at the casino and are going to the strip club. Who gives a fuck if it's 5pm
Oh my god I haven't had mozzarella sticks since I banged that Applebee's waiter
I'm just sitting here drunk and eating peas because my life sucks
Also my roomate used some of my condoms so she gave me her hummus. Great trade
Anne is dead. totally passed out and was flat out in the street
Well 1) stay calm 2) stay safe 3) drink more
Btw that $18 I gave you to run around outside naked came out of your wallet.
The lady in the stall next to me just screamed "why are you so hairy!?" and "why can't you get any!?" to her vagina. WTF
I just had mom give me advice about how and where to store my lube in my shower. It was super awkward. Of course, she also walked in on me masturbating once so I guess turnabout is fair play
I put the child locks on after I put you in the car and you then screamed, "I am a Phoenix, you can't restrain me. I NEED TO FLY!"
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