You know, it's scary to think that someday I might buy a pregnancy test with pride, not at 2am...
He offered to take me out to a nice dinner but I told him I would rather he just pay for my beer this weekend
We were making out and then he stopped and said to me, "Your ship is right there, why don't you take your people and just go?"
im afraid if i stop breathing i will turn into a porcupine
It's okay. My lingerie drawer is skanky enough for the two of us. Even across borders.
I fucked her wearing an American flag. Now here I am, awake, naked, and flag less. How do I report this to the police?
do you know how ratchet you have to be to get kicked out of a drag club on Halloween weekend??
You missed the winter stoner olympics last night....I got the gold in blunt rolling
HOCKEY BUTTS AND BASEBALL BUTTS HONESTLY DO SOMETHING TO ME
I just spent so much time grooming my landing strip and like, sex isn't even on the agenda tonight.
Earlier today I was eating cookie dough from a tube, now I'm laying naked next to a hot guy watching Pawn Stars in between orgasms. You really can have it all.
Okay. So did I kiss you last night? I know that I made out with someone. Or a few someones. But I'm pretty sure that I made out with you. Was that real life?
I ACCIDENTALLY MURDERED MY COUSIN
HOW DO YOU ACCIDENTALLY MURDER YOUR COUSIN
Imp drunk. It'd free popcorn tuedday I love life.
You can help me! We'll make an occasion of it. Have some rum, make some smores, condemn the email system to the pits of hell...
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