just dd'd my mom home while she begged me to let her drunk dial my ex, jammed out to party in the usa, and then passed the fuck out. thanks for the genes mom.
Give me a few hours to remember what being sober feels like.
My coke dealer 411'd my work number just to see how I was doing and gave me his new number. He must miss my business
We 6 way cheers-ed with French fries last night, hammered, in the booth.
You Just stopped dancing, looked at me and said "I'm gonna make it rain" Then shook the open box of crunch berries everywhere.
I have tan lines from my nipple rings.
It was super embarrassing when I had to tell my brother, in front of my mother, that my wifi password was Drinkupbitches. Thanks for providing that lovely family moment.
YES please come visit. Lets go get belligerent. I won't even pepperspray you
Did I really make a PSA to that garage party that you wanted to bang him?
You gave a whole fucking speech. It was inspiring.
I can't ever look his wife in the eye again. She will see right through my soul to his dick pic.
Now that it's over, I can finally say it and not feel bad,dude. Her mustache is better than yours.
lmao he sent me a snapped but i'm afraid to open.
i think i have dick pic PTSD.
he came with me to get plan b but they didn't have any. when I started crying he said "come on it's not that bad.. ill go get sandwiches from the vending machine and we'll have our first meal together as a family"
On this version of “Dean Can’t Be a Normal Fucking Human,” I told a guy I’d shove a tv up his ass. Recreationally.
Plasma, LED or OLED?
One day I'm going to get tired of waking up and wondering where the glow sticks on the floor came from.
Randomize
