I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
Just woke up and stopped at the WaWa in Virginia. Had major morning wood and didn't try to hide it when walking around. So many awkward stares.
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
Oh if we have sex in public no one will frown upon it. They will stand and cheer for it
the only thing you said was do the helicopter dick
FYI: Brian said he left me in the bathroom Friday night to shower and 45 minutes later found me with a towel around my head, my pants on and holding my boobs. No more Jell-O shots for me.
still not dressed at 5:00, jacking off watching men's figure skating and hoping my weird roommate doesn't walk in. anybody who says idk how to have fun is wrong
I'm watching the World Cup in bed naked with john and our USA flag aviator glasses. Can you say America?
We've been staking out a taco bell for 2 hours trying to find last night's one night stand
Idk I wanna make it till midnight but I also want tequila
Thank you for holding my butt in a non-sexual manner when its cold. I appreciate you and your warm hands.
I don't know man. She said my cock made her promises my heart couldn't fulfill.
I hear jingle bells and I can't tell if it's bc I'm feeling festive or just REALLY high
I had to explain to an ER nurse that I burned my dick playing onion ring toss today, your social awkwardness hardly compares.
If you wake up, and some of your hair is singed off, it probably has something to do with the lit cigarette you put in your hair. You said it could double as a bobby pin...?
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