My sis friend said it was fake then described it as "scary"...greatest adj ever applied to my dick
I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying
I'm sitting here in nothing but my panties, eating beef jerky and reese's for breakfast.Today is not the day to expect me to make sound life decisions.
We thought she was passed out on the toilet, but she raised her head to tell me the word I couldn't remember was "empathize." Then she puked blood and passed out.
I said I was going to sleep an hour ago. Now I'm making plans to get high with the guy who mows your lawn.
Went to the wedding reception, and he left with ALL of the brides maids phone numbers. I don't know how he does it either.
You're only allowed to hookup with one freshman a semester. MAKE IT COUNT.
Who was the girl that woke me up at 4am to tell me "there's an emergency, we need you to come smoke weed"
I was walking around the party holding a dog on my shoulder like it was a parrot
He pushed a skinny white blonde out of the way just to tell me "you have the finest ass, like ever."
I have never loved a nerdy white boy this much.
We went to Olive Garden so high we didn't talk and managed to be awkward enough for the waiter to ask if it was our first date
I can't even spell what he said he was on. And I had to call 4 people before someone had heard of it.
I know it's my dream I got hurt enough to leave work but not hurt enough to stop drinking
It's okay. I think we're back on. I just went on a dog walk with him n blew him on a sidewalk
I walked in on my sister eating my leftover burrito naked. How could my night have gotten any worse?
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