Just saw a girl that looks like Michelle Obama and Im strangely aroused by her. Does that make me a democrat?
I'm 99% sure that for 3 hours I thought you were British. We must smoke that again.
You slow danced with your carpet steamer last night.
Can you deep fry cheerios do you know? crucial question
ugh he was not leaving in the morning so i tried to scare him by crying and saying i wasnt ready to lose my virginity.
You need to stop blackout tweeting at him to have sex with you on the roof of your dorm. He doesn't even have a twitter.
don't trust your eyes. just sniff them. if they smell like axe, they are broke, move on to the next.
I feel like we should at least be hungover if we're gonna be this grown up.
I still have beer shits from last weekend. Dying from dysentary is a real threat at this point.
That's what he gets for shittin at the strip club. Who does that??
I don't think I've ever had this many people offer me blow before. 3 o'clock on a Thursday. I keep good company.
I just wanted to personally thank you for throwing clementine slivers at me across the room while we made out
So was this before or after he cried about trump?
After
he asked me why I let you steal the gnome, and you jumped out of the bathroom, yelled "you know why!" and ran outside with said gnome
I need to take my iPad to the Apple store (when this is all over). Do I need to delete all my dick pics/videos or are they used to stumbling across that sort of thing?
Randomize
