fyi, we didn't break up, we just downgraded to occasional sex without ever talking about it.
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors
Fuck he won the bet
Just found out I called my mom at six in the morning to ask where the bong was. I win.
I think they took out their livers years ago and replaced them with like cheese graters or something. Only explanation.
I took the weekend off because he and I were supposed to go to Vegas for our anniversary and get a hooker remember?
Ah, yes. Who says romance is dead?
But you're the one who should be jamming foreign objects into my vaj instead of an old weird lady. I mean, it is your birthday....
doctors was a success... no liver damage and I lost five pounds.. we're celebrating tonight you get the whiskey I'll get the burritos.
He staggered in with his pants around his ankles and yelled that he lost his pants
I forgot my backup drink is supposed to be pedialyte and vodka. Add in the shit I'm losing as I drink. Win-Win right?
I'm still laying in bed cuz I don't feel like adulting yet
Hopefully they won't bring up last year's Christmas party. I kind of predicted my great aunt's death...
IS NO AN EMOTION BECAUSE THAT'S WHAT I'M FEELING RIGHT NOW
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
she just kept straddling the railing to the stairs and shouting "come on Seabiscuit, lets win this for America."
Randomize
