I bought a boat. Want to have sex on The Angry Clam? That's what I named it.
the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
I may have been hammered and in a wheelchair but I definitely remember asking the hospital reseptionist to marry me
Aw c'mon. You have to see if the spinning penis rumor is true.
Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.
She said I walked up to the McDonalds counter and ordered just a cup full of pickles then proceeded to offer some to everyone in the place.
No, he went to go get condoms. The least I could do was chug two beers before he got back
You were saying you didn't want to go home and insisted that I drop you guys off at your uncles. That's how you ended up sleeping on a porch with two dudes
so i might have figured out why that girl isn't talking to me...I'm 90% confident I didn't give her a pillow when she stayed over >.>
Um went out in San Francisco last night and ignored someone hitting on me. So they bit my arm. Lmfao PLEASE TELL ME THIS ISNT THE SINGLE LIFE
I wore a shirt that says "more tequila" to my bday party last year and that's why I want to be my own friend
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
Ordered a pizza stoned. The guy handed me my pizza and I tried to pay him by handing him back the pizza.
Btw, remind me to tell you about how I had to cancel my crazy wild sex plans with Will b/c my roommate came back from his trip after a day b/c Canada wouldn't let him in. Fucking cockblock.
Actually that's the whole story. You don't have to remind me.
There's nothing classy about a pregnant girl at a frat party...remember that.
Randomize
