My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
I bought canned wine on a clearance aisle at the liquor store... I feel like I'm living in an episode of It's Always Sunny.
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
21st Birthday Idea: liquor store gift registry. Give me a promotion.
We did lines off of a Whitney Houston CD case. That makes everything okay.
Just sneezed out a half gram of coke into a tissue. Four hours after the fact. The bender continues.
Thank you for making it possible for me to get laid while having peace of mind my dog is well taken care of.
There was blow residue on my chem book and my TA was like, did u stain your notebook with CaCO3?
I think that's the first time Navy dress blues and a Ninja Turtles onesie have been involved in the same makeout.
I'm pretty sure NORMAL roommates don't have to hide each others sex toys from their fuck buddies.
Pillow talk?
can't do it. no eye contact either.
Where have you been all my life
Why does 10AM Spanish always turn into a discussion about my sex life?
Cum just came out of my nose. That is all.
I don’t understand his energy
What? Nice? Lmao
It’s like a sexy version of those choose your own adventure books from when we were kids. No matter what you choose, there will be penis!
Randomize
