I would have at least made out with you if you were showered.
then for some reason i googled "how much to buy a cannon"
it only takes four glasses of wine for me to ride an elephant with a stranger.
yeah that pretty much nipped itself in the bud when I realized i could see her whiteheads glowing in the blacklight
if she leaves who will i have to secretly talk about behind thier back
the man who designed bathrooms to have toilets within easy puking distance from the shower is my hero
i remember introducing him to all my posters and making him be extra nice to frank sinatra and bob dylan before he fucked me
This guy just showed us his webbed feet to prove that his son was actually his son
whoever put homecoming and halloween on the same weekend owes me a new liver and a get out of jail free card.
This morning on my way to work I saw a guy ride his bike straight into a woman and her dog while trying to light a bowl. Thought of you.
He made the moves first, we made out...then we folded his laundry.
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
He fed me jello shota while i was sitting on the toilet and then he peed in the shower
BOOM BITCH SERVES YOU RIGHT I HOPE YOU SHIT YOURSELF PETER PAN
I woke up this morning next to my computer with Google search results for "how to put out a fire."
I'm very scared to turn around.
Randomize
