My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
They past out watching a re-run of the 1984 presidential debate on cspan
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
If I banged a coworker last night but didn't enjoy it can I put it down on my timesheet?
He came in looking for condoms, iced coffee, and a gas tank. I need to be where he's going.
I hope there's a soldier with a Bedazzler just going to town right now.
I remember halftime. Then I woke up in Spain. I need a drink in order to process this.
So apparently I ended up throwing my clothes in the toilet after getting kicked out of TQ and ran around the neighborhood in my boxers. Works gonna suck hard once this hangover kicks in. Also: I lost a shoe so looks like flipflops for the rest of winter
Possibly having a threesome with my ex boyfriend and his current girlfriend was great closure on that subject
Man, you got so high you own goaled yourself in FIFA then got up celebrating.
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
The only people who will bring me pizza or tacos want a commitment and I'm hungry for food not their love.
So in my DUI class I had to write down 3 people I'd call if I needed to talk and why...they all want to meet you now...
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
I just realized this morning that my fridge is stocked with coronas, hot dogs, and cheese dip. And I just got waxed. High-five, your best friend is on track to be all kinds of slutty fun this wkd.
Randomize
