Dude, I couldnt get it up cause she said her parents were home...
ok, come over...I have doritos
then you asked me to turn your jeans into "jorts" just long enough to cover your ballsack
Just threw up my room service breakfast with my fake eyelashes and pearls still on.
She wants out first dance to be to 98 degrees i do cherish you...remember how i said we didn't need open bar....
Don't worry about it. Anal sex isn't always sunshine and wildflowers.
I let him watch sportscenter while we fucked. How did he repay me? I'm now missing class to get a shot in the ass for the clap. You and I are getting wasted and keying someone's car this weekend.
Just got into a fight with a trashcan, today is obviously not going to be my day.
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
I have a tattoo that says Yolo. You should not have been asking my advice in the first place
I changed his name in my phone to "Irrelevant" last night. Not changing it back.
If you had amazing eyebrows i'd have sex with them.
If this gives you any indication of my current state, I stopped at Meijer after work and bought funyuns, pregnancy tests and chocolate.
I was left to my own devices with nothing to do but drink
Hitting up all my dealers for my birthday grams is paying off
Randomize
