I asked her if she watches the office. She said no, but do you watch I'm a celebrity get me outa here? That's when i knew. Deal breaker
i've never been more proud of someone than i was when he told me he got his first blowjob at age 13...from two chicks
tonight, alcohol would be proud of us
I told her that if she blew me I would give her the empty pizza box in the fridge.... Why did she agree?
I'm riding shot gun after Shawn took a dump in a happy meal box because we were making record time.
When a girl says " I never would have come over if I knew I was getting kicked out at 7am." the correct response isn't "but think of how responsible you're being."
If man night ends at some point, hit me up and let me prove my vagina still exists.
I had phone sex with a retiree last night. This is not how I envisioned my 20s going...
Buying the inflatable beer pong table for the pool was one of the best investments I've ever made
I deserve to be covered in dicks
we just talked about our morning and what we were doing for the day and he handed me the addies and i took $50 out of my bra in front of a bunch of frat guys. so the mornings going really well
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
How are you and your magical vagina doing today?
Hypothetically speaking...if I was arrested in Wisconsin, say Kenosha county, would you post my bail all the way from Oregon? If yes, will you also accept my collect call in t-minus 13 hours?
She's celebrating a tinder-match-aversary and I'm not about that.
Randomize
