His idea of a romantic evening was shotgunning Keystones. What a keeper.
its a sex-hate relationship...no love involved
You are two creepy Justin Bieber quotes away from me not talking to you for the rest of the day
If I had a pelvic thrust emoticon, I would use it
were drug buddies, doing lines off her ass is just a bonus
Hint of advice dont get with minor league baseball players, you can google their stats but not their stds.
I woke up to a full mcdonalds meal being shoved in my face. Mom mustve noticed the empty tequila bottle. I love family.
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
On NPR this morning, farmers are feeding weed to pigs. The result: pot bacon. Life just got better.
Maybe one day we'll get unicorn butt tattoos together
We exchanged snapchat usernames instead of numbers. Is that what America has come to?
I made it crystal clear I'm only upset because he's not anywhere fit to be a father of my unborn zygote
Crust to egg proportion prescribes to a pedantic form of quiche. It's like saying breakfast pizza isn't pizza at all.
Trust me, I'm a professional lesbian.
I just found out my younger brother has me saved in his contacts as "Womb Primer" and I don't know what to do with this information
He said it only counts if it ends up on the internet
Randomize
