The sex was great until she started shouting, "Succeed!, Succeed!" Then it was like I was fucking a motivational speaker. Awkward.
Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
Apparently Sundays are the worst days for your friends to get their head split open and need stitches...there's only 1 doctor on duty
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
I feel like a really awesome person when i have to check my roof for things i've lost
I'm calling it the Friendlationship with Benefits Zone.
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
Up until today, I never would have thought I'd have to tell someone not to color on the cat
If there's one thing I learned yesterday, it's that if I really wanted to I could be mayor of Toronto.
My girlfriend is so strong now. Like on the one hand its kind of hot because she can pin me down during sex, but on the other hand she picked me up and carried me bridal style at the company bbq.
people need to understand when I say I don't want to drink anymore that doesn't mean tempt me with another bottle of Jose Cuervo.
If you can throw 105 mph it’s mandatory that you’re hung.
All right well I’m making her sugar cookies and sleeping with her husband tonight. Just another manic Monday
It was like Strip poker and blow, but with Yu-Gi-Oh cards
Randomize
