I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
from all the glitter we used it actually looked like a disco stick
I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
Lost is over, my longest committed relationship is coming to an end.
The drunken tricycle race really added some class to the Tour de Franzia. Until everyone wiped out and started puking.
Disgusting. If I saw her naked my dick would pack up his balls and leave.
Look you found him on craigslist. You should be happy that he at least HAS a normal looking dick.
There seems no grander way to celebrate 420 than to smoke atop a mountain peak.
Accidentally hit on the same girl twice at the bar, she give me her number both times though so I think its cool.
I lost the bet. I now have to do all chores sans clothing of any kind. I give it a week before I'm knocked up...
ARE YOU SAYING THAT YOU DON'T WANT TO GO TO A PARTY AT AN ADULT STORE WHERE A BUNCH OF HOT GIRLS ARE DRINKING
I can't adult today.
Take a nap and try again
I have to buy a couch. There's nothing more adult than buying a couch on a Tuesday.
And why in he fuck did I get 'dick' in Romanian tattooed on my forearm
At least you got some excitement going on, you got weed and might die tonight, I'm just sitting here bored as fuck.
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
Randomize
