youre so sexy i want your bod
dude, did you turn gay?
heather?
this is jacob
im poppin the ladies like they're bacne
someone shit in a solo cup and left it at the base of the stairs. fuck orlando dude.
I had a dream once that juice was flowing out of my kitchen faucet
She has her iPod in her ears slippers and sweats on and is walking around the house up and down the stairs getting "exercise" she just stopped for a water break
Not cool at all. Last night I organized my condoms by expiration date. I need to get laid.
His apartment number was 69. I had to.
Plan: drunk dancing. Reality: drunk almost getting in fights with people that could beat me into the ground.
He screamed AMERICA, took a shot of vodka out of a Tupperware container, and then asked if he could see my tits
I had a dream last night you were Aladdin. I think due to me watching 6 hours of Disney movies and the fact you told me you were wearing a vest.
Dreams are coming true for both of us.
My serious response to your Cathy tattoo inquiry- Do you ever want to get laid by someone not wearing a Blossom style bucket hat? Tattoo accordingly.
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
I just put vagisil on my bug bites how do you think my morning is going
Ah, Christ. I just saw a D lister I made out with once on a Rock Of Love rerun. Why are you asleep right now? Some weird shit is happening.
Saw the Peanut butter guy at checkout he had at least 30 containers of it and like 6 different kinds...
Randomize