My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
I know I'm her Sunday school teacher. I just feel I would be saving others from a lot of headaches by telling her someday she's going to be a stripper
Woke to a half burnt 20 in my pocket, covered in mud, clothes all wet, so im assuming I didn't use that 20 you gave me for a taxi
The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
Dear, was it your thong we found wrapped around my hairbrush next to Rachel's bed? Please explain.
When I realised he had a girlfriend I just started telling them about my ex and how I write poetry about him. Which I then read to them. They just gave me pity looks and left me to finish my spliff alone.
The hypnotist is here. He has a black eye and smells like tequila.
My mom was looking at curtains for me and sent pictures and I had to be like "not the Disney princess pink and purple, more like an acid trip"
I was convinced to buy a man thong.
But it's Armani so it's okay.
God I just out gayed myself.
The last thing I remember was riding in a grocery cart with two strangers while a cop pushed us
Dad got stoned the other day and bought us potty training seats for when we have children
Technically, I traded a soft pretzel for sex last night...
You know you're too high when you find yourself crying at " hand in my pocket" by Alanis Morissette because it's "just TOO REAL"
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
He was publicly touching my boobs before I even knew he's a famous World Cup skier.... That's how hot he was
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