what, no i told him that it wasnt nessesary to put all 5 fingers in my vagina
The worst thing that has ever happened to me happened today. I was taking donations at goodwill and someone donated a clearly used vibrator
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
I'm inventing beer flavored vodka. This raspberry shit makes me feel like a pussy.
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
I sang Jenna happy bday in the middle of throw up hurls
Thoughts of banging the girl who just opened my beer with her teeth?
As if finding out the man you just had sex with is married isn't bad enough, it gets so much more awkward when his wife comes in to comfort you...
I have tan lines from my nipple rings.
He licked my mouth. I felt like I was making out with my dog.
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
My ex gave me head because she said she didn't enough when we were dating... Best ex ever? I think yes.
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
Randomize
