he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
I told her for every minute she spent down there, I would donate a dollar to the Haiti relief fund... totally worked
Just because you were able to pour the entire bottle of wine into 2 glasses does not mean you took it easy last night.
Just got a blowjob on the pier where my great-grandfather entered America.
Its like the unofficial aniversary of the loss of her virginity. And I will be giving tours of the spot they did it in and showing how I'm serious when I say the grass doesn't grow there anymore.
Streaking across a girls college rugby game is probably the best, and most painful, decision I've ever made
Twas the night before the bachelor party, and all thru the house...not a creature was stirring, not even a stripper?...
I wore granny panties last night to ensure I didn't sleep with him. He said they made me seem more mature. I need a new plan
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
The guy next to me in the library just got a call from his roommate asking him to come bail him out of jail...we need to step up our game.
I blew him while the canoe was sinking...I think of it as the better version of the titanic
I hate how she's getting mean with age
Meh, you can't hate. That's our basic life goal and you know it.
A bitchslap is in order.
she has no right to get mad at us for drinking during the wedding. she's the one that chose the bridesmaid dresses with pockets.
I’m on my way to fuck the new hockey player
Ride him like a Zamboni
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