On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
Slow dancing with the chandelier.
Nothing says "I mean business" like using a cart at the liquor store.
There was blow residue on my chem book and my TA was like, did u stain your notebook with CaCO3?
Are you stuck outside of your house because you forgot to walk up stairs? Cuz I've been there.
You sprinted into the side of a parked car
i told her i loved her afterwards and she said "i know," kissed me, and got up to start making breakfast.
dude, she han solo'd you. keep her.
There is a car windscreen wiper in my handbag... Not my car's, not ok.
you made me suck your tit in the car and kept saying "good boy. I love you so much. good boy."
I just set an alarm for 5 am tomorrow morning titled "Wake and Bake Its Christmas motherfucker"
She's got Mike in the bathroom. He's covered in meat.
hey at least you are getting hit on, i spent all day researching cat sedatives
all I remember the next morning was crawling through the doggy door and finding my underwear in my purse
It's only 3 AM. There's still time to get arrested today.
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