You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
life lesson# 3: saying thank you on a subway really means "im not a native new yorker, so please feel free to touch my ass"
hmm. interesting. explain how you came across this knowledge.
i sneezed. he said bless you. i said thank you. he groped. i again said thank you.
Def ran into my elementary school babysitter at the grocery store. Still hot. And she complimented my beer choice. It feels good to still have her approval
He said "ride me pocahontas" while I was on top of him last night
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
Freshman Move In Day, its like Christmas in August.
Dude, how the hell did you become an RA?
this mall makes me feel like I just rolled a 9 in jumanji and got the stampede card
I drunken agreed to go wedding dress shopping with a stranger at the bar yesterday. She sent me an email asking what days I am free.
he went at my nipples like a starved dog.
I got frustrated so I just stood up and said take me to bed or lose me forever and banged the first guy who responded show me the way home. Thank you Top Gun.
If I showed up at your door with pizza and a bottle of tequila wearing nothing but chaps and a fireman helmet, would you send me away?
Wanna shave the hair on my back? If you're offended I was joking, if not I'll bring booze and maybe you can do other regions too.
We have a lot of substance abuse to do tomorrow its sleep time
Two words: blizzard sex
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
Randomize
