Espresso. Can't sleep. Love puppies
they found her hiding behind the couch trying to feed a cabbage patch doll a bottle of tequila. please tell me she's on birth control.
Friends dont let friends get hit with a flaming baton without warning
They're taking me to ER. Mistasnkingly. Come get me.
I saw him walking to campus with his beer in his hand in the same sweats he wore walking to campus with a beer in his hand yesterday.
If she doesn't judge me for bringing my vibrator in the tanning bed, I know she is a true friend.
"Let's chug a beer then make out" doesn't sound as nice, but it would prob make him cum right there.
Awkward family moment #1: walked in on my 15 yr old nephew packing a bowl. Nephew says- "lets not ruin christmas and keep this our little secret"
You disappeared for an hour and showed back up with handfuls of bratwursts and yelled at my girlfriend that if she didn't eat them, that the nazis win
The cops busted down the door and everyone ran. I was just trying to find my shirt before I got arrested
I creeped him on fb. I'm about 90% sure I just blew him in the same tux he wore for his wedding..
Pulling on my sock literally just took me 5 minutes.. The hangover is real
My ex husband is now my side piece. #thisis30
And speaking of good acting I may have a sex tape now
You told him he “could park his dick in your garage”.
Well he didn’t. It shouldn’t be this hard to get a penis.
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