I just met a guy from Australia at the bar. I asked him what it was like down under and he told me if I went home with him he'd let me find out. I love Australians.
I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
Not only do I have sand in my ass, but a crab pinched me while we were fucking. Still totally worth it.
Yeah someone just put a trash bag that says "use protection" on the snow penis
btw im making up a story about these stitches..... i think a hockey stick to the face sounds better then i fell up the stairs
I was tripping so hard I was disappointed when I pulled back the shower curtain and shrek wasn't standing there
I don't know... But I do think this is probably the longest series of texts we've written discussing your cock. David was right, it is a brave new world. Also, slow day at work again?
So I just had breakfast and then sex in a parking garage before he went to school and thus I am loving my life
we turned the lights off and all you could see were my glow in the dark stars and his penis
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
Just renamed the subject of my sex list on my phone "grocery list" just in case anyone comes across it
she's my really slutty friend i bring around so i can act slutty and not feel as bad about it
Dude, he turned on “London Bridge” by Fergie and GAVE ME A LAP DANCE.
Can’t fucking wait for Tuesday night. Have another situation that popped up. I swear my life is like a cross between a soap opera and a porno
Used my power pack to charge my vibrator so I didn't have to unplug my switch or my galaxy lamp. TECHNOLOGY!
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