just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
I did the walk of shame to church this morning.
hooker boots and all?
Yep. People looked at me like I was the prodigal daughter returning home. Full of sins but welcome anyway.
He is going overseas for 8 months, not only was that blowjob a going away present, but i was supporting the troops
I don't know the quality of the hand jobs you've received in the past but it CLEARLY was not one from me
we bribed her with croutons and jello shots.
She took a picture of me when she thought I was sleeping. I don't know whether to be amused or scared.
they still hired me even though my background check came back with a warrent for my arrest.
Well, if he didn't want to get caught mid-gay experience by his girlfriend, he shouldn't have pushed so hard to do MDMA with me.
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
my hand froze to the top of can of beer cuz i fell asleep outside. i decided to find a way to open the bottom of the can before addressing my severe frostbite. PRIORITIES!
All my money is going towards making my vagina hairless
Worth it.
I'm going to be an 8 year old girl down there foreverrrr #fountainofyouth
Hi I haven't talked to you since you bought legal marijuana-are you still stoned?
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
It's very rude to dive mouth-first into someone's crotch without knowing if their wife is cool with it.
Love it. I wish you see me right now. I'm counting cash on my bed with no shirt on, beauty and the beast sound track on blast. Fucking creepin it up.
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