weak ass sauce last night. waste of time. you suck. ps. your boobs are fake
this girl with a french braid down the center of her head won't stop talking about the benefits of the free market. i'm hungover, bloated and haven't slept for 4 days. shut up french braid girl, shut up.
My therapist is concerned about your alcoholism.
Just hit a cone using a lit sparkler. Tastes like I might die but it was magical.
as you might have guessed from my lack of texts, the herpes have calmed down.
I really gotta be careful. My email inbox is equal parts notifications from instructors and this dude's dick. If I get drunk and reply to the wrong thing I might get kicked out of grad school.
I just crashed on my couch and have no intention of ever getting up again
I will be over with a bedpan and beer
He is like the "hometown sweetheart", but a huge freak. Like "I'll come change your flat tire"....but then fuck you like an animal in the back seat.
I wish there was a morning after pill for dominoes.
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
Have you ever been so drunk you pass out in the cab and everyone goes inside and forgets about you? I have
He seems like a nice guy. I mean, I know he's married and he's essentially paying me to be his side hoe, but he really seems like a good person.
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
There's nothing like a guy talking about your vagina as if it's delicious food to make your day better.
Haha do not judge my life style choices right now but me and Dj had sex twice and then he helped me pick an outfit out for my date
Randomize