I'm having a terrible night. Can I sleep over?
Too tired to pretend that I care : (
hey, here's something you don't have worry about since you're a girl: finding crusty cum in your bellybutton.
i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
my life is one jail cell away from being a bad country music song.
Nothing ruins a good sext like too many emoticons
I told her the maid must have stolen all my condoms. She bought it
I have been sober for so long that I miss hangovers... what is happening to this summer?
I had so much drainage I couldn't moan properly. Fuck allergy season
Y'all best leave this "I can only have a couple drinks" shit at the door. U don't drive to Yukon to have a shot. I'm getting u fuckers drunk.
In an unrelated matter, im gonna eat you out so much later.
Turns out both me and my grandpa have a guilty pleasure for South American men.
Funny you say that, I just sold my stripper pole to my mom tonight...
Nothing says hey I wanna be your friend again like ambushing me with a dick pic
I just need a fucking pair of pants. Is that too much to ask for?
Sooooo drunk. We had the best sex ever and after he looked at me and said "That's whats up". I looked at him weird and he said "Young Jeezy would say it" and passed out on me naked. I think i might be in love
Randomize
