I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
I understand how i shit in my shoes, but explain why you were wearing them.
I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
new revelation: five guys for breakfast
new revelation: previous revelation not a good revelation
he was fingering the outside of my pants..i knew that was my cue to leave
My dora the explorer band aid does not cover up the shame i feel right now
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
He just tagged everyone he's slept with this year in a 'memories of 2011' tweet
This just spotted: a bagpiping Elmo on the street.
you left the hospital looking like the grudge, your mom and I were pushing you in a wheel chair and you yelled peace out fuckers.
Thanks for taking care of me. I hope I didn't pee in your car.
I wanna say I regret bonging a beer while having sex with Mike, but it helped me get thru it.
also I was promised more toga parties by popular media
Oh. My. God. I. Am. Going. To. Punch. Someone. In. The. Face. Immediately.
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
Randomize
