Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
just next time i won't let coke make me think I'm superman and drink a shit ton.
I'm graduating. Then you'll never see me again.
We better fuck soon then
We need to talk about our relationship.
I just won a bet involving 10 tequila shots. You've got about 3 minutes
All I know is she had me sitting on the kitchen floor with her little Pomeranian eating potato chips And shredded cheese. I don't even know dude. I don't even know.
you pushed her into a kiddie pool and knocked out her front teeth... and you still managed to get laid. what. the. fuck.
happy find a boyfriend by next Valentines Day. Its like a new years resolution but depressing
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
Hot Italian guy literally came into my logic class just to get my number to study with me and left. America.
new costume idea. paint swatches and a ball gag... I'll be 50 shades of grey.
Basically I don't wanna put on pants...but I'm stoked for drinking my face off tomorrow.
Birthday are for suffering. TAke some tylenol pm and day-drink tomorrow
We've started traveling with Michael and Patrick so we can pretend we're two legit straight couples.
A charade that fell apart the second another couple on the cruse found Sarah face down in my box on an observation deck.
Dude this weed smells so good they should make it into a Vicks vapor rub scent and I would rub it all over myself.
Randomize
