i told him he had the best dick i've ever seen. then supposedly i kept repeating "peter piper picked the perfect penis"
I'm watching a Sinbad stand up special. Not even drugs can make this funny.
Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
So help me Jesus we're never drinking together again. But weekends don't count. Amen.
I'd rate him "doable" on a scale from "ew, run" to "you should've already fucked him".
That's about an "8" on normal scales.
P.S. The slutty NASCAR driver costume will be saved and used year round for role play.
He's like the unplanned child of drunkenness
He could stay over, if you'd just ask.
Yeah. What am I supposed to say? "Oh, my couch is occupied, but my vagina's not"
So much rum. So many feels.
You ever fart so hard while you are asleep that you wake up screaming?
These past few weeks have been a lesson on why you don't put your penis inside girls who live in your building.
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
sooo, that video of you eating lasangna with the strobe going magically reappeared on my phone
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
Randomize
