the thought of Anne Coulter teabagging Dick Cheney kills me everytime.
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
I wish Denzel Washington would coach my flip cup team..
We got a party bus for the nite. I found out the hard way why stripper poles are meant for girls.
Well he's not a stripper, so we're already doing better than my last date.
Let's turn this shoulder dislocation into a positive. Come to the hospital, bring some beers, let's party.
Did we fight the bathroom girl ? She just wanted to give us lotion and condoms.
Glad we went casual last night, made my 1pm walk of shame through Walmart a little less obvious
All I'm saying is that your next houseguest had better not barge in on me in the shower demanding I wash the stolen dye from his hair. I'm not doing that a second time.
hey dude, just got with the girl in H4. so mark H off the apartment list
haha we are half through our lease and already checked off 17 letters
i just found a lighter in my bra... from last night, and its 7:43pm...
and then the sword just ended up between my legs
I just took a picture of Austin's dick wearing a hat. Except its not a hat it's a DayQuil cap.
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
You do realize last night you asked me if shampoo had an expiration date then cried for 15 mins when I told you it did
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