Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
They had a "who can aim further away from the toilet" contest. I'm now washing piss off my ceiling.
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
Whatever you do to me, stop, I found yet another blonde hair in my asshole.
All I know is I had a penis in one hand a bottle of wine in the other
Totally clawed myself in the face during sex. I can die happy?
I'm just waiting for the avalanche of beef.
he didn't stitch me up last time. in fact, he yelled at me for bleeding.
Reasons why I'm always right: I am older, I am wiser, I have a larger penis
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
Wait, but now I'm curious. In what position were y'all when the cops came? Were you guys butt ass naked in the car? 😂😂
Don't tell me I can do whatever makes me happy while also saying I have to put on pants.
EVERYBODY CALM YOUR SHIT
I just dropped a chicken nugget on the floor and seriously prayed that it would be ok....I think this job is making me crazy.
His PENIS is so fucking big that I always use caps, out of respect.
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