I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
Went from beach to class to bar all while wearing my swimsuit as pants. Clearly I'm dressed for success.
Sorry for trying to force you and Robert to make out. I didn't realize how awkward it was until I woke up today.
She asked the taxi driver to stop at the Texaco because she had to puke. She did then stumbled into the gas station and bought a 40.
Breaking up as roommates was a poor life decision. I'm sorry. Thank you for never shitting on the floor.
First memory of my senior year: Going into registration still drunk from last night.
I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.
yo knit me an eyepatch. but also make it usable as a thong
We celebrated our relationship by shotgunning beers on his lawn in our underwear. I may have to marry this man...
I'm not a whore anymore. I gave up 90% of my women for you. I'm a 4-5 woman kind of guy now.
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
It looked like Halloween in bed... BECAUSE HE BIT MY PUSSY AND I BLED ALL OVER THE FUCKING PLACE. THEN HE FELL AND BROKE HIS TOE. AND THEN PASSED OUT WHEN HE SAW ALL OF THE BLOOD.
Disregard everything I texted you last night. Oh, and disregard me hooking up with your boyfriend.
tonight's safe word is brought to you by the phrase "Ahhhhhh"
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