Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
Wow, t9 really hates the phrase "slap her in her sanctimonious pie-hole."
its raining. im dressed as yoda and im trick or treating alone. and i wonder why im still a virgin..
How many 'remember name' entries is it inappropriate to have in one's cell phone?
Is it appropriate to get drunk, stand up at the wedding and make a toast to "the time the lovely bride asked me to come on her chest"?
our generation is not ready to get married
Wow. I grabbed the wrong container to rinse my contacts- it was a beer. And it comes out waaaay faster than saline.
Note to self: don't practice nerdy white girl dance choreography in the company bathrooms no matter how nice the huge mirrors and lighting are.
In the pie chart of my life, she is a huge part of why I drink.
Dude, get out of Andrea's vagina and call me back
Just so were clear your wife is cut off from my dick.
Well now you know not to take drugs from your friends. Take it from stangers. They're more reliable.
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
He punched me in the face while giving him road head, because he was driving stick. I shit you not.
Are we allowed to ho on the roof?
Randomize
