dinner at cheesecake factory: $40. drinks at yard house: $50. having sex in the VG parking lot while people are staring at you awkwardly: priceless. Goodnight.
just to let you know, don't open your linen closet for a while until i come over with a cleaning kit and geek squad
So the coke mirror was perfectly angeled at my face right when i woke up this morning. I now know how I'd look on intervention.
That's what you said about that spiderman stripper, but look how that turned out
Because if the best sex I've ever had was with a gay guy, then God help me.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK FUCKABLE IN AN ALL NEON SPANDEX JUMPSUIT?
You know whats not fun? Making yourself throw up on a sand dune at 4 in the morning.
She is watching her grandpa for the day and the dude just whipped it out and started jerking off while watching the View.
Do you have any pics of the gummy penis incident?
Some drunk guy thought my knee scooter was the sexiest thing he's ever seen. He then proceeded to ask me about duck hunting and decoys...
At first I was a little embarrassed for sharting, but then i realized it was a bachelor party, and I went balls to the wall
I just threw up birthday cake.. who's birthday was it?
I just hope I don't wheeze during sex
He called me at 4 a.m. and wanted me to drive him to McDonald's then drop him off at home. It wasn't even a booty call, it was a fucking chauffeur call.
he stopped mid makeout and said "can I pray for you?"
Randomize
