If you're gonna cry pregnant again I'm not coming over.
My carpet still smells like piss and I THINK YOU KNOW WHY.
i think at one point throughout the night i began eating birthday cake with a q-tip.
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
Oh boy...do i want the 'something you can tell your mom in 10 yrs' version or the 'Im gonna call you a whore but be proud' version?
he was extremely fucked up- he thought my sports bra was his boxers. even when his leg wouldnt fit. at least whiskey dick wasnt a problem
Will do. If it all falls thru I'm just gonna set up a sprinkler in my back yard and run thru it while taking jello shots. Perfect alternative to my 29th bday.
You sent me snap chats of you guys having sex. Like plural. It was like flip book porn, I'm traumatized.
I confess. I just downed the bottle of saki. And I'm singing phantom of the opera to the dogs. Be glad you're not here for the high notes.
Well, if you're getting/have gotten your dick sucked, you're welcome. If not, I tried. Step up your game, pussy. I pulled a MacGuyver and got mine. No excuses bro.
Just resonded to a booty call with "how much effort is required on my part?" I think I've finally reached the point of smoking too much pot
I'm a hopeless romantic with the sex drive of a married politician. IM DOOMED.
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
He fingerfucked me in the hot tub and then we had sex in the wine cellar. See thats why I like partying with rich people
Can you get the dildos out of the shower before the maids come?
Randomize