i just pooped in tubberware. not a proud day
Im starting to think including a smiley face in texts may or may not be a code for 'lets have sex'
Im going to research this theory. . .
Sorry you had to hear me puke. I didn't know I called you. Was it graceful?
My financial aid advisors would be so pissed if they knew I was spending my loan money on strippers
Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
I'm going to fuck my way out of the friend zone if its the last thing I do
i think you're the only person in the world who masturbates to food network.
I am trying to figure out how to tell this kid i have a boyfriend in a way that still allows me to smoke free weed
You know your in for a great weekend when you buy the booze already in crutches
so, give him that "thank you for fighting for my freedom bj" & he wont even remember what you said in that six min voice mail.
Ok despite the fact that both you and I love dick we could have a great marriage
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
THIS FUCKNUGGET
DOES HE EVEN REALIZE HOW MANY INCREDIBLE INSULTS I'VE WASTED ON HIM
I'VE INSULTED THE EVERLOVING SHIT OUT OF HIM AND HE CAN'T EVEN APPRECIATE IT
THE HO
Ok, there are marshmallows shaped like elephants
We smell like vodka and hangover
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