There are only two things that should be in vaginas... penises and vegetables
My fight-or-flight response is really more fight-or-fuck
I want a nosebag of coke after my exam. Like what horses have. Coked up horses. No excuses. I love you.
She poured a bottle of rum in the champagne fountain, did like 5 jello shots at the same time, then lit herself on fire. Twice. This is how everyone should turn 21.
Mym mom just came downstairs as I got ghome ans I'm trying to act SO CASUAL as i stabdh here hut icant help bur be like 'girl where's ther Turkey sandwiche s' haahaa
I literally need you to talke care of me soooo9o9oooooo drubj gril makin a sabdwiche. SO far its judst bred and paper towel...
After i black out, be a good friend and point me to the direction of a girl with daddy issues, any girl would do just fine
Definitely just found that pen in the microwave. What the fuck.
Would it be inappropriate to rub one out in the gym shower? I mean, technically, I pay $80 a month to do what I want so could they really say anything?
Shower is fine. Steam room is shady. I've probably done both at one point in my life so I can't be used as a good reference.
i am an animal i am literally locking myself in my house and not coming out for a week i don't deserve to be in public
This guy smelled his armpits before trying to approach me at the bar
I knew you were cut off when you tried to order a "Phil Collins"
Made out with some dude at the bar last night. Was fun until he thought bohemian rhapsody was by The Who
I'm giving drunk me full control of my body for the next few days. Please don't let me die.
I think my life is a one-way ticket to blackout city.
Just saw a girl I banged wearing a pro life shirt downtown. Not sure where to start with that.
Randomize
