I'm jammin out to some Brit Birt, she's still my bitch, I love her crazy ass
When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
Planned Parenthood should have gift certificates.
I went outside for a smoke at 4 and things seemed normal. It's 6 now and the front lawn is COVERED in tortilla chips. WTF?
West Wing DVD drinking game: drink whenever they waqlk around a lot. I LOVE POLITICS SO MUCH
Drunk off five beers on a Tuesday. I'm not sure which part of that statement is more sad
She was holding a turtle doing a beer bong out of a flower watering can.
They gave me a glowstick necklace to wear so they could locate me if I wandered off into the woods
if drunk means calling me and asking to borrow the game of life at 2am then I think you were drunk
Dude that chick had a dog in her car. Like when she goes bar hoping so does roofus. He gaurds the car.
eating chex mix on the couch when he walks in naked and asks how he looks. are you shitting me.
You started pulling out condoms from your fanny pack and threw them at all the couples on the beach
Ugh I realized he only responds to my snaps when I’m eating a popsicle
Why are male brains so small?
I just realized now that I slept with him while he was still wearing the maid costume... I've reached a new level of sexual freakness.
Jack and I got in a huge fight at 6am. He fell asleep when I was giving him head so I freaked. We were both black out so I made a memo in my phone reminding me
Randomize
