I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
I walked in and she was kneeling on the ground with no pants on, throwing up, and holding the puppy. It was one of those moments, where i was like damn i wish i had my camera.
He has in a pan: ten pieces of bacon, two cloves of garlic, an egg (not scrambled or hard boiled, just an egg) and frozen corn.
I definitely did a line of something I don't know with a Pagan biker. I make good decisions.
You were so excited to be getting 4 tickets to the Whale Rodeo.... That high
bad sex. bad bad bad. it was like trying to pick up an overcooked noodle with an empty pringles can. why do these guys always seem to find me?
And that's the fourth pair of yoga pants with unwashable stains from you.
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
dude girls our age are getting married and having babies and I still can't figure out how to defrost my hotpockets
I'm scared because his knowledge of star trek is turning me on
On the bright side, only one more day until we aren't sober anymore.
You took the glass microwave plate and said it was the closest thing to a frisbee, let me know how that works out for you
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
We hooked up and he sent me home with a plant and skittles lmao
There’s a child, alone, sitting on a picnic table out there, making bird noises
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