I'm way too horny to be at work right now. I think it might be legally irresponsible to leave me alone with cucumbers.
well, i woke up this morning to a note i left myself my dry erase board, "dear you: i had sex with someone awful."
Apparently Bin Ladens last act of terrorism is cock blocking me....
New low: falling asleep with my face in the toilet only to be awoken when my hand slid down and touched the water. It's moments like these I wish I could forget.
you're avoiding the subject, i want to know how you ended up at the strip club with the dog, fucker
Some kids in a school bus just saw me jacking off in my car. This is how 89% of children find out about sex.
Not only have I fallen off the wagon, it ran me over and just kept going...
She's on her way over to shave my year round sweater vest into a festive argyle sweater vest. Keeper?
Just because I don't want to be her booty call doesn't mean I wanna stop getting tit pics. I'm a sucker for double D's
I need vodka and champagne for my new favorite drink, vodkapagne. Alternative spellings are "vodkapain" and "vom-machine"
So as a result of a tragic manscaping accident I've had to shave all the hair off of my legs. The result is... not great
I still have a little drunk in my system
I just got a robo call from the Addiction Help Line. Not sure how to take that.
Fuck you bitch. You're married. You got a live-in dick at home for your needs. I still gotta surf this shitty town's bars for cock
I totally fucked your pastor last night.
You're his wife.
Still a dirty get down.
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