She said "Lay the fuck down and ill show you how its done. Ill get us both off." I did. And she did. Best words ever said before sex.
I am solely responsible for the birth of their child. I mean, I did push them into the room and hold the door shut yelling "punch that kitty!". It has to be a sign.
i find it unbelievable that you didn't think it was necessary to intervene when i started letting people autograph my body with spray tan.
at least you got your priorties in line. new years first, than the baby.
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
Ummm. I just wanna say this now: Don't let me invite the band back to the apartment to see my stripper pole.
i told him i was allergic to semen. he pulled out an epipen.
diet's not working. come over. i need someone to fuck the hungry out of me.
Does taking an old homeless guy to the strip club, buying him lap dances, and calling him pops all night count as a good deed???
LET US USE OUR GENITALS TO CELEBRATE THIS VICTORY
You know. You being in a happy healthy relationship is REALLLYY cutting into our drinking alone together time.
I hooked up with a sophomore, passed out at midnight, and apparently drunkenly peed on Nicole's wedding invitation
When my card got declined you bought the vibrator without me even asking. This is what friendship is.
I just saw a guy faceplant off a unicycle while holding a saxophone, while his buddy riding another unicycle and sporting a flute rode by laughing
Only at UConn...
And then he peed in my hair
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