Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
Your dad touched me again.
Does this mean you'll turn into an Albanian at the next full moon?
Heard it's your birthday. I can't send pictures, but go ahead and imagine my balls.
Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
bubblegum was invented today. we're getting drunk. end of story.
i was picked up off the floor by a stripper, if thats not a new life low then i dont know what is.
You just threw your burrito at the passing teenage couple and yelled "It's never gonna last" of course your were a shit show
I'm supposed to be studying for finals but all I can think about is blowing him on a sea doo this summer
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
Dude, on the way home the cab driver asked why you didn't bring a guy home and referred to you as "one night stand girl"
I feel like the only way to get him to stop is by telling him i'm tired from fucking our other friend every night this week
if youre gonna throw up it might as well taste like christmas :S
I just added Tubthumping to the playlist for tonight. This is going to make or break the party.
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
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