This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
Lauren will drop me off I'll be drunk ride you for a little bit and then you can go to sleep
sorry. that wasn't for you
I'm going to listen to christmas music to trick my body into cooling off.
Who's got a bloodstream full of margaritas by 2pm? Not you, that's for sure, because you've got one of those "real" jobs.
Hey, no judgement here...this is the girl that threw up on a box of kittens at the magician's house
He tried to give me a shoulder massage while i peed in the neighbors bushes to "make it more relaxing."... I let him... That drunk
I puked on myself in front of a customer. all. over. myself. thanks Saturday nights
She roared AMY HORNEY and hulk hoganed her shirt off. Fuckin marriage time bro
Was my shirt on fire at any point last night? Because I'm fairly sure my shirt was on fire.
I don't know when he had the time to do it but he dug a hole in our basement like the shawshank redemption
We had a company shotgunning beers contest in the parking lot today, and I won. God bless America!
Look, his dick is so good at being a dick that it makes me see God. And I don't even believe in God.
went to class still drunk this morning and my professor made the class give me a round of applause and said, "see people, THIS is inspirational... if she can make it to class in this condition there is no excuse not to show up!"
Think he has a gf
Yea that shit doesn’t necessarily stop me
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