i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
would really like to know how the teddy bear got super glued to my testicles.
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
Seriously wondering if smoking a bowl for lunch was a bad idea.
OR THE BEST. STAY TUNED.
It just goes to show you, your dreams can come true. You can hook up with your dads hot married friend.
your bra might or might not be a decoration on me and my roomies xmas tree haha
People dont know what to do when a naked fat guy is running towards them. they panic
I just used a VHS tape as a plate for sanwich
I'm about to ride on a tractor i have no time for you
He forehead kissed me AND THEN asked what I was thinking. I'm taking away his man card.
Plus he is a pilot so I could give him flight dome
Sorry I told all the other bridesmaids you were an asshole. I had had a few drinks and it's how I felt at the time.
It's not even 8:30a, wine glass is broken, there's sugar everywhere, and your mom just asked me what MILF means.
I've had your balls on my face a bunch of times so the least you could do is buy a girl some dinner.
Hope you’re getting action boo.
Definitely no. I woke up next to a bag of McDonald's.
Randomize
