he asked me if i "normally slept like that" because i was curled up in a ball facing the wall. then he told me that i woke up in the middle of the night and said "oh my god. i forgot you were here." how did he not understand that i didn't want him in my bed.
Quick question, how many times can you get chlamydia before your vagina just gives up and falls off?
Im blowing my nose and the only thing coming out is beer
Normally I would go for him, but there's just way too much vodka under the bridge for that
You know what? I bet HE would do stormtrooper roleplay with me. I'm in.
Oh man, buzzed lunch fridays almost got out of hand.
Me and him were fist fighting in the back of the cab and I offered the driver a 100% tip to call him an asshole. I don't know why.
You were great dude. You wanted to charge the guy with fedora $100 to get in.
Yeah when we were together he never sent me dick pics like a normal boyfriend. It was always pizzas. That should've been my sign.
Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.
I made it crystal clear I'm only upset because he's not anywhere fit to be a father of my unborn zygote
You screamed "i promise ill stop blowing your brother" in the middle of a packed restaurant at 1pm. We should maybe rethink our relationship.
MEG JUST LICKED A DRAIN PIPE. DAVE PUNCHED MATT IN THE THROAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN. I REPEAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN.
Do you think I can get away with quoting Work Bitch by Britney Spears in my speech?
Nothing ruins an orgasm faster than accidentally calling out his boss's name
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