I don't think my ego could take a straight man out-cooking me.
I wish they made sweatshirts for legs
you mean pants?
The only coherent words in the 6 texts i recieved were don't, cute, fucking, beer, and lions
I basically get to watch her life fall apart via tumblr updates
I knew it was gonna be a rough night when the guys next to us at Relay for Life started shot gunning beers and yelling "This ones for all the hot chicks that went bald because of cancer". It kinda went downhill from there....
Someone woke me up and gave me a sprite and some pills. I put them in my belly button. Trust no one.
You climbed into the Suite next to us at the game so you could steal the half eaten hot dog someone had left on the table. That high.
No more house parties. We're almost fucking 30 years old and I slept until 6 pm.
My general physician told me i have the emotional capacity of a 2 year old, While he refilled my xanax prescription. That's service!
I don't know what's wrong with me. The guy from bar rescue is making me horny
He's mad at me because I said I wouldn't date him if his dick was smaller. I fail to see the issue
mcfuck me up
MCFUCK ME UP INSIDE
My uncle showed up to pick us up at the bar just as I bought a drink so I put it in my pocket #drunksmart
i just saw a man in the grocery, sitting on the floor, eating out of a galon sized tub of macaroni salad. We need to get on his level.
...this is why fuck buddies should be only for grownups.
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