So for his birthday I'm planning on doing what stripper did when she put the matches on her nipples..lights them n makes him blow them out..SEE I AM dating material.
did the hipsters beat you up because you are more ironic than they are?
you were almost asleep and mumbling "your penis is on my cheek"
i guess i finally out drove tiger woods this morning..
all i wanted was to be slutty. now i'm meeting him for drinks tomorrow because he woke up before i had a chance to sneak out and was too polite to say no
My weekend will be all about the double d's, desert & debauchery
He was like an artic tracker. Walked ten paces from the tree, then 15 paces from the mailbox, dug down in the snow, and pulled up the case of beer he hid from his parents out there. It tasted like ice cold success.
How does one chug a beer and swing the bottle at someone in a single motion? This guys a beer ninja man
Did he seem like the type of guy that would maybe take weed as payment?
There's a woman at the bar holding a baby with one arm and doing shots of GM with the other. The baby is crying. I have lost faith in humanity.
And I'm glad you're waiting to invite him over. he may have a weird penis thing and then dinner becomes awkward.
The holidays are too long. I always run out of adderall before I run out of family. you got any left?
Where does dick fit into Maslow's hierarchy of needs?
They say find what you're good at... Evidently that's showing up late for everything, drinking, and eating cheese for me.
Just woke up and read the text that drunk me sent you, i take it all back, and you can't have my power puff girl pillow either.
Randomize
