Not only is chick snoring like a 48 year old man but she's farting in rhythm
the mole on his forehead could get me off better than his dick
please tell me you have proof of this
I dumped him because he's never seen star wars. I'm certain I did the right thing.
he said i was chugging vodka in the parking lot, gave my # to a married man, started a food fight, and passed out at the bar. how could he NOT consider that a good first date???
I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
True Life: I hate vaginal excretions
Stop introducing me to people as your little sister.
I don't think the lady gaga poster on your wall qualifies you as a brother.
You just kept mumbling, "Shit shit shit, the muffin man owes me money." Repeatedly.
I just heard your voicemail. Glad you like my dick and think I'm cool
We christened the whole apartment and fucked on the balcony. It was amazing. I'm 100% sure downtown heard me climax. Now we can unpack.
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
I tried to help you up but you said "let me dance it off"
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
I wish I could open myself up and check on my liver. Make sure it's hanging on. Ya know?
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
Randomize
