So I thought I was doing pretty good and then I sneezed and prematurely ejaculated...
his text ended with ... everyone knows dot dot dot equals infer sexy time
I tried. Now my legs are bleeding and I cracked my head on the coffee table. Never taking your advice again.
Headed to the bar now. If I smell faintly of latex and tuna, it's just the new scent I'm trying.
looking at that huge scar on my leg from when i got drunk at 9 AM and walked into a grill. so excited for football season to start again!
I created a new solo drinking game. You need a handle, a laptop, and a shitty internet connection. Start watching the fort video in the que, play the snake while the videos constantly load, and take a drink everytime you fuck up. There was a video of a an asain female Justin beiber impersonator full screen when I woke up.
I just realized I'm trading you a pregnancy test for the morning after pill...
It's been a bad semester.
I AM NOT THE MAN IN THIS RELATIONSHIP.
It's shit like this that makes people think we're gay.
Last night was so embarrassing. I got like almost blackout drunk and threw up in my hand and then blamed it on someone else.
Somewhere in this city is a lost rubber penis that needs to find its way back home
I want morning sex. We can incorporate maple syrup into it somehow, it'll be fun
I love how four vibrators are within reach of me right now, but not a single hair brush or comb
it'll be okay! And just think of this ultrasound as the most action you've had in a month...
Currently googling hangover cures, which looks a lot like working from the perspective of my boss.
I know she’s pissed I fucked her husband, but I didn’t know he was married until after I blew him at Legoland
Randomize
